Let It Be

When I find myself in times of trouble

Mother Mary comes to me

Speaking words of wisdom, let it be

Let it be - The Beatles

The best solution to the following problems:

Someone has anonymously made insulting comments about you.

Some inexperienced college student is trying to tell you how to do your job.

Can't open wiki.db for update.

Your boss orders you to do something that you think is a bad idea.

The movie is not as good as the book. (Or the remake is not as good as the original.)

Other people are not using your favorite programming language, methodology, or technique.

Someone you know enjoys listening to Kenny G.

The nagging feeling that there are people out there who don't like you and don't respect you.

Problem/Context: You feel very frustrated or angry because someone else has done something or is doing something that you don't like, and there is nothing you can do about it.

Forces:

The injury is primarily to your own ego or to your sense of what is "right". There is no harm to you or to anyone or anything you care about, other than your own feelings of victimhood or frustration that others aren't doing or thinking what you think they should.

You have little influence over the behavior of the offender. An apology, compensation, or reversal of behavior is unlikely.

Rational discourse with the offender is impossible or has failed.

Other people are uninterested in your problem and are unwilling to assist you in correcting the behavior of the offender.

Solution:

Accept the situation and your inability to change it. Put an end to the negative feelings you have about it. Its Not That Important

This is often easier said than done. Some suggestions:

Examine your feelings and the events that led up to them. Think about whether there is really a good reason for you to have such strong negative feelings.

Consider what the consequences would be if you were to ignore the offense, and consider the consequences of what you could do to exact revenge/retribution.

Realize that the offenders may neither know nor care that they are bothering you, and that your bad feelings will neither punish them nor make them stop what they are doing.

Try to put the issue out of your mind. See a movie, read a book, take a nap, spend time with friends. Re-examine it later.

Consequences:

Lower stress.

Clearer thinking.

More time available for positive activities.

Friends and associates will not be subjected to unpleasant and boring tirades about trivial matters.

People who enjoy pushing your buttons will lose interest in doing so.

Socially superior people who like to push buttons won't force you to lose face.

Applicability:

This pattern has obvious applicability for high-strung whiners who treat every problem or disagreement as an inexcusable injustice or as a vicious personal attack.

However, this pattern can also be used in conjunction with lots of other problem-solving techniques. When surprising problems arise, it is natural to be angry at the people who are responsible. A manager may feel betrayed when a subordinate or supplier fails to meet a commitment, programmers may be annoyed when elegant code gets hacked into a mess by a lesser coder, or a team members may get upset when their project's priority, budget, and schedule are changed by higher management. In these situations, it's best to put the emotions aside and focus on solving the problems.

Also Known As: Ignore Personal Affronts, Serenity Prayer; Dont Sweat The Small Stuff; Deal With It; Live and Let Live; Geta Life; Get Over It, Get Over Yourself; Grow Up!

Related Patterns: Set The Bozo Bit, Pick Your Battles, Chronic Complainer

The 18th century American statesman Benjamin Franklin mentioned a similar idea in his list of virtues:

9. "Moderation. Avoid extremes; forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve."

Serenity Prayer sums it up nicely:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; And wisdom to know the difference.

See original on c2.com