Civility Patterns

Complaining about the Decline Of Civility is fine, but what can we do about it?

The civility challenged usually mean well, and they have lots to contribute. They just lack two things: an understanding of the techniques of civility, and a theory of why civility is a good thing. Unlike most people, they require the latter before they'll willingly practice the former.

Therefore:

Give them a civility pattern language.

Well, I'm not up for a pattern language right now. But how about a few Civility Patterns?

Let's not limit these to participation on a Wiki. In fact, let's not do Wiki On Wiki at all. Let's post some practical insight into sharing a planet day to day with other human beings.

Be Cheerful

Show Conventional Signs Of Respect

Apologize Unconditionally

Say It Directly But Not Criticize Bluntly

and especially never to have your words get (mis)interpreted as insults

Correct Incivility By Hinting (not by explicit discussion)

Take lessons from Marshall Plan and "never declare victory"

(includes never demanding a concession of defeat)

Leavea Face Saving Way Out (see Best Alternative To Negotiated Agreement)

Assume a PissingMatchFreeZone

Seek First To Understand, then to be understood

Say everything Once And Only Once?

Realize You Might Be Wrong

Lead By Example

Let It Be

Is Your Rudeness Necessary?

Avoid even a hint of Lynch MobBehavior in other peoples conflicts

hard to do because we always have some beef against another

I'm sure there are lots more.

Contributors: Ben Kovitz, lots more (already!)

Say everything Once And Only Once?

I have to disagree here. Patiently repeating yourself as many times as necessary is probably a genuine civility pattern. Miss Manners has written some interesting pieces about this. For example, she says that to train children to say "please" requires about 20 years of repeating to them that they need to say "please", and there are no shortcuts. Another example: she says that when someone doesn't take the hint that you aren't interested in continuing a conversation, just patiently hint again, and again, and again, until they become so bored that they decide to go away on their own.

--Ben Kovitz

20 years! Miss Manners is mistaken. I have a 7yo and 4yo that are almost perfect about saying please --Pete Hardie

Wait until they become teenagers, and you'll see

Once And Only Once seems a little out of context here. OAOO is about protecting written material from being corrupted because of unknown duplicates. Civility should include tolerance for a repeated message that may not yet have been understood by others.

Some stuff shifted to Wiki On Wiki ( upon a particularly civil request !)